My joke of the day

[NbleSavage]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bartender says "Mate, that's got to hurt."

The pirate says "ARRRRR! Its drivin' me nuts!"

 

[Jimjimqwerty]

Why are dead baby jokes always funny....?

Cause they never get old

 

[1bigun11]

So this fifteen-year-old enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has been playing naughty with a girl at the school and needs to confess. "Was it Susy Smith," the priest asks? No says the boy. "Was it Cindy Jones?" No, the boy says. "Well it had to be Amy Morgan then," says the priest. "I really don't want to say who it was," says the boy. "Well say five Our Fathers, and five Hail Mary's and don't do it again," says the priest.

The boy walks out and his friend asks him, "Well, what did you get?" The boy says, "Five Our Fathers, five Hail Mary's--and three strong leads!"

 

[Jin]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?






He worked it out with a pencil.

 

[The Phoenix]

Gonna give this one a shot...

So they finally let out these nuns who have spent many years in the convent, out to preach of the ills of fulfilling lustful sexual desire, they end up at a Mandingo party. One of the nuns has a knife in her hand and is eager to slice up some salami. She shouts to the other nun and says "Sister, where do you want me to start cutting". The other nun tells her knife wielding sister, "cut here and here" (running a finger simultaneously from each corner of her mouth to her middle of each cheek).

 

[The Phoenix]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?






He worked it out with a pencil.

OUCH! I hope it was with the eraser end?@?!?!?

 

[Jin]

Where did the OCD doctor asked to be buried?


In a symmetry.

 

[Blusoul24]

Where did the OCD doctor asked to be buried?


In a symmetry.

Oooof! 10char

 

[Jin]

I made up this next one myself. Just did a Google search and maybe nobody else had the balls to
be this corny.


Why are Podiatrists such good losers?


They’re all used to de feet.

:32 (19):

 

[NbleSavage]

A radio station in Cork, Ireland held a call-in contest for words that weren't in the dictionary which made sense in a sentence.

DJ: 96FM here, whats yer name and whats yer word?
Caller: Its me, Dave. My word is Goan, spelled G-O-A-N proncounced go'an
DJ: Well, its not in the dictionary. For a trip to Bali, can you use it in a sentence?
Caller: Yea, goan f**k yerself

The flustered DJ hangs up. A few minutes later...

DJ: 96FM Whats yer name and whats yer word?
Caller: Its me, Jeff. My word is SMEE, spelled S-M-E-E, pronouned 'smee'
DJ: Well, its not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali, can you use it in a sentence?
Caller: Yea, smee again! Goan f**k yerself.

 

[The Phoenix]

What did the gastroenterologist say after his exam? "This job stinks!"

 

[The Phoenix]

LOL does That means you use the same thermometer on both ends and just happened to alternate it when you put in yo'mouf.

 

[smguffer]

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the no bell prize!

 

[smguffer]

I'm afraid for the calendar .... It's days are numbered

 

[eazy]

What do you call the new girl at the bank?





The Nutella!

 

[smguffer]

My dad came into my room and said to me, son if you don't stop doing that you'll go blind. I said hey Dad I'm over here

 

[CJ]

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they return to port, they can scandanavian.

 

[1bigun11]

If a man speaks in the woods, and there is no female there to hear him, is he still wrong?

 

[CJ]

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

An illegal is a sick bird.

 

[Trendkill]

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters but never has five letters.