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Dan Duchaine - Skullfucked
Interview with The Sandwich
When I was 18 years old, I almost pooped my pants. I had to go really bad and I didn’t know what to do. So, out of sheer desperation, I took a massive poop underneath my parents' pontoon boat in the back yard. The poop was so big I was damn near proud of its size. I had just walked home from school, and I had to go really bad, but I was locked out of the house. Sometimes in desperate situations, one will do just about anything, including taking a poop out in public.
Currently, I am broke and out of money. I don’t have enough money for food, so I steal it, and I am already two months behind on my rent. If I don’t pay my rent, I'll get thrown out of the mental ward house (for the mentally ill) that I live in. I love it here. I don’t want to leave. I have become accustomed to living with retards, so its great. I have a nice time here: I eat, watch TV, and sleep. Sometimes, when I am bored, I beat up the orderlies (all women). Another desperate move. I'm a run-and-hide type guy. I'll be the first to start a fight, but I'll also be the first guy to run away once I find out that the guy really wants to kick my ass. Anyway, I needed some fast cash quick, so I said to myself, "How about I do another Duchaine interview? They are always popular, and I could score $500 for it, too."
But, I was desperate. As you will see below, my questions are totally off the wall: Abusive, disrespectful, and downright illegal. It seems I always ask the wrong questions. Even Dan Duchaine is "fed up" with me and my desperate antics. He no longer responds to my emails or anything. Looks like I pissed him off with the questions I asked him for this interview. I will probably piss you off, too. So, after everyone reads this, the entire bodybuilding community will want to kick my ass, because its so offending. That’s ok. I don’t sweat you. I own you, boy! Bring your shit on! Ok ok, enough tough-guy talk. In all honesty, you could probably kick my fat ass. I'm 425 lbs. and 5'6". I look like a fat, midgetized version of Nasser El Sonbaty -- without all the muscles. If u want to fight me, send me a letter and issue the challenge. Just don’t expect me to show up, though. I only fight people I can beat up, and that excludes just about all of Earth’s population except women and children. Great. I’m gonna get my ass kicked for writing this article. Its almost not even worth the $500. I am so scared I feel like...pooping my pants, but I see no pontoon boat in sight.
Here is the interview, totally uncut, uncensored and in-your-face. Don’t like that? Fuck you! At least I never drank my own urine like Mike Mentzer did (that’s another story).
Enjoy! But don’t kick my ass.
Duchaine: (phone rings) Hi, this is Dan.
Sandwich: Hi Dan, this is The Sandwich!
Duchaine: Hi Sandwich.
Sandwich: How are you?
Duchaine: I’m fine.
Sandwich: Well, first I’d like to thank you for giving me the interview.
Duchaine: You’re welcome.
Sandwich: I really appreciate that. A lot of the questions are going to be quite controversial, and I hope that you don’t take personal offense to them. The reason I ask them is…
Duchaine: (interrupts) No! I mean, if there is something I can’t answer, simply because it would effect someone else on a personal level, I’ll just let you know.
Sandwich: Ok, great. Let’s start from the beginning. You no longer work for "Buttplug" Bill Phillips. What happened? He seemed to have squandered your "Ask The Guru…" column for the past 8 months or so.
Duchaine:(sighs) Well, originally when I negotiated the contract for Muscle Media, I just kinda picked 30 months. Originally they wanted, like, one year on the contract, but I wanted to have a little more, longer contract, just to have the security. And, so, I knew I wanted at least two years, and I thought maybe 36 months is too long. So, I settled with 30, and when 30 came up, that was the middle of January. So that was it.
Sandwich: Are you glad that you left, or did you wish to stay with Muscle Media?
Duchaine: (pauses) I wasn’t to happy with the magazine, because I didn’t have as much freedom at the end then I had in the beginning. I was pretty spoiled in the beginning. I mean, I could do pretty much anything I wanted, and they hardly edited it all. It was a really sweet gig. I guess if the contract was longer, with a guaranteed "so much" a month, for a few more months or another year, sure! I mean, I don’t have this big compulsion to write all the time and every month. I know it seems terrible to say, but to be able to get a regular paycheck a month - a substantial one - and not have to do a whole bunch of writing isn’t terribly bad in my eyes. Although I think the readers thought I had lost them along the way.
Sandwich: Do you think you’ll be able to gain them back…
Duchaine: Sure!
Sandwich: …with your new columns in Ironman and Pump?
Duchaine: Oh, I have much more fun over there, because I can get my sense of humor back, which it is. I have more freedom. The problem with Muscle Media, toward the end, is they really didn’t want to discuss any kind of nutritional product that they were not selling. Or, if a competitor was selling it, we couldn’t really talk about it, or if it wasn’t on the market yet, they didn’t want to hear about it. So, that kinda restricts the palette of information quite a bit, I think. I know you’re supposed to be professional, and if you have a lot of money, you should be able to do whatever you damn well want. The pay was good, but I’m not the type of professional writer that can churn a lot of copy out, like a Greg Zulak or a Bill Dobbins.
Sandwich: What’s "Buttplug" like in real life? I heard on the ‘Net that he’s a totally arrogant Ecstasy and Xanax-abusing flake. Is it true that he broke down and went into rehab when his company, EAS, hit the bottom?
Duchaine: Don’t know. I wish I could tell you some real juicy facts, but remember: I’m here in San Diego, and they’re in Colorado. Because, in the beginning, Bill was so young, and he had such an outrageous lifestyle of Playboy Bunnies and fast cars and a lot of parties, which was not, socially, my real…(sigh)…I just didn’t like it. I didn’t really socialize with him, so I wasn’t part of his inner circle. I kinda was waiting for him to grow up (laughs), and in a way, he did. I’m adamantly stuck in the hardcore subculture, and he moved on to more mainstream things. I guess that’s kind of growing up, or a more professional or financial…if it actually worked. But, I don’t think his decisions on changing the magazine really paid off the way he thought they would.
So, I can’t really tell you what he was like as a person. He never called me on the phone, and he rarely faxed me. Even the faxes to the people at NEXT Nutrition started to stop, so I cant really tell you what is going on with him.
Sandwich: So I take it you never participated in his now infamous gangbangs of strippers and stuff?
Duchaine: Nothing. No. I have a hard time with the clubs and strippers. I really do love women both as sexual objects and as people…(pauses)…my persona, in print, is much different than me, the person. I have much more respect for people and women in real life, than what appears in print.
Sandwich: Yeah, I know what you mean. Let me give you a scenario: You are on a road trip with Bill Phillips and Joe Weider. Bill and Joe were out one day walking in the woods when they both stepped on a sharp, rusty dildo. Subsequently, they both got lock jaw from it; their mouth is now wide open and they cant close it. Later, you are driving down the highway in the middle of no-where, and you have to take a massive crap, and you can’t crap outside because there is molten lava on the ground. You have no other choice. There are only two places you can crap: Either in Bill Phillips’ mouth, or in Joe Weider’s mouth. Which one would you rather crap in, and why?
Duchaine: Mwahahahahahahah!!! (uproarious laughter) What a terrible, terrible question! Hehehehehehe! That was very funny, but you’re not going to get an answer from me. I really owe them both too damn much to really slam them like that. Joe Weider got me started. I was in that first article I did for Gordon Long’s Muscle Digest. Bill Dobbins took me on board with FLEX magazine, and Joe Weider allowed Mike Zumpano and I to place our ads for The Underground Steroid Handbook in his Muscle Builder/Power. And, of course, Bill Phillips stood by me when I was in prison, when no one else really didn’t want to see me. As much as it looks like we’ve had our differences between those two people, god, they really made me a lot of money and put me where I am today.
Sandwich: Here’s another scenario: You are walking in the woods of Africa with Monica. No one is around you for hundreds of miles. All of the sudden, she has a heart attack and dies right in front of you. Her body will evaporate in 20 minutes. Would you fuck her dead corpse? If so, why?
Duchaine: Hahahahahahahaha!!! (Huge-ass laughter) Ahh…(long pause)…no, I wouldn’t do that (chuckles). But, you know, you might ask the question if she was alive, I might give you the same answer! (laughs)
Sandwich: Have you ever had a black girlfriend? And if so, are they better than white girlfriends?
Duchaine: (Laughter) Sandwich, when I was a young man…how old are you now?
Sandwich: Twenty-one.
Duchaine: Yeah. When I was about your age, maybe a year older, I had two black girlfriends for decent lengths of time.
Sandwich: (Interrupts) At the same time!?
Duchaine: No! Different times. I had no problems with them what so ever. We had some good times. I don’t think this really relates to bodybuilding, but I think you’re confusing racial characteristics and cultural characteristics. I think maybe people object to certain aspects of black culture, but racially, I don’t think that’s the objection. I don’t think they care about the color of the skin, as much as their culture. It’s a more "in your face" culture. It’s a little disconcerting if you’re used to other cultures, which are more laid-back.
Sandwich: Okay. For one million dollars in cash, a Lamborghini Diablo, a case of Xanax and Ecstasy, and a pair of purple, EAS workout-shorts, would you have gay sex with Bill Phillips?
Duchaine: (chuckles) Oh…million dollars? Sure!
Sandwich: For real!?
Duchaine: Sure!
Sandwich: Really?!
Duchaine: Sure!
Sandwich: Hohohohohahahaha!
Duchaine: That’s a lot of money! You’d do it too! (laughs)
Sandwich: I was in a chat room the other day and someone told me that a certain bodybuilder in this sport got prostate cancer from being fucked in the ass by Dorian Yates. Have you heard this, and do you think it might be true?
Duchaine: (In a serious tone) I think that’s a lame joke. And as much as many people have a beef against (name deleted out of fear - lets call him "scumbag") - and I don’t have a beef, because I’m not into competitive bodybuilding - God forbid you are I have the same malady. It’s not uncommon and he’s a very young man to have that, you know? As much as he may be doing things that doesn’t make people happy, it certainly doesn’t warrant that kind of severe punishment.
Sandwich: (Sheepishly) Okay, I understand. Switching gears, PGF2a. As you know, this is the drug that is reported to cause muscle hypertrophy (growth) simply by injecting it and then lying around, waiting for your muscles to grow. Kind of like a "natural" Synthol. What do you think of this drug? It’s a real hot topic on the ‘Net right now.
Duchaine: I happen to know…what’s his name, the one he put the article under? I know his real name and where he lives…
Interview with The Sandwich
When I was 18 years old, I almost pooped my pants. I had to go really bad and I didn’t know what to do. So, out of sheer desperation, I took a massive poop underneath my parents' pontoon boat in the back yard. The poop was so big I was damn near proud of its size. I had just walked home from school, and I had to go really bad, but I was locked out of the house. Sometimes in desperate situations, one will do just about anything, including taking a poop out in public.
Currently, I am broke and out of money. I don’t have enough money for food, so I steal it, and I am already two months behind on my rent. If I don’t pay my rent, I'll get thrown out of the mental ward house (for the mentally ill) that I live in. I love it here. I don’t want to leave. I have become accustomed to living with retards, so its great. I have a nice time here: I eat, watch TV, and sleep. Sometimes, when I am bored, I beat up the orderlies (all women). Another desperate move. I'm a run-and-hide type guy. I'll be the first to start a fight, but I'll also be the first guy to run away once I find out that the guy really wants to kick my ass. Anyway, I needed some fast cash quick, so I said to myself, "How about I do another Duchaine interview? They are always popular, and I could score $500 for it, too."
But, I was desperate. As you will see below, my questions are totally off the wall: Abusive, disrespectful, and downright illegal. It seems I always ask the wrong questions. Even Dan Duchaine is "fed up" with me and my desperate antics. He no longer responds to my emails or anything. Looks like I pissed him off with the questions I asked him for this interview. I will probably piss you off, too. So, after everyone reads this, the entire bodybuilding community will want to kick my ass, because its so offending. That’s ok. I don’t sweat you. I own you, boy! Bring your shit on! Ok ok, enough tough-guy talk. In all honesty, you could probably kick my fat ass. I'm 425 lbs. and 5'6". I look like a fat, midgetized version of Nasser El Sonbaty -- without all the muscles. If u want to fight me, send me a letter and issue the challenge. Just don’t expect me to show up, though. I only fight people I can beat up, and that excludes just about all of Earth’s population except women and children. Great. I’m gonna get my ass kicked for writing this article. Its almost not even worth the $500. I am so scared I feel like...pooping my pants, but I see no pontoon boat in sight.
Here is the interview, totally uncut, uncensored and in-your-face. Don’t like that? Fuck you! At least I never drank my own urine like Mike Mentzer did (that’s another story).
Enjoy! But don’t kick my ass.
Duchaine: (phone rings) Hi, this is Dan.
Sandwich: Hi Dan, this is The Sandwich!
Duchaine: Hi Sandwich.
Sandwich: How are you?
Duchaine: I’m fine.
Sandwich: Well, first I’d like to thank you for giving me the interview.
Duchaine: You’re welcome.
Sandwich: I really appreciate that. A lot of the questions are going to be quite controversial, and I hope that you don’t take personal offense to them. The reason I ask them is…
Duchaine: (interrupts) No! I mean, if there is something I can’t answer, simply because it would effect someone else on a personal level, I’ll just let you know.
Sandwich: Ok, great. Let’s start from the beginning. You no longer work for "Buttplug" Bill Phillips. What happened? He seemed to have squandered your "Ask The Guru…" column for the past 8 months or so.
Duchaine:(sighs) Well, originally when I negotiated the contract for Muscle Media, I just kinda picked 30 months. Originally they wanted, like, one year on the contract, but I wanted to have a little more, longer contract, just to have the security. And, so, I knew I wanted at least two years, and I thought maybe 36 months is too long. So, I settled with 30, and when 30 came up, that was the middle of January. So that was it.
Sandwich: Are you glad that you left, or did you wish to stay with Muscle Media?
Duchaine: (pauses) I wasn’t to happy with the magazine, because I didn’t have as much freedom at the end then I had in the beginning. I was pretty spoiled in the beginning. I mean, I could do pretty much anything I wanted, and they hardly edited it all. It was a really sweet gig. I guess if the contract was longer, with a guaranteed "so much" a month, for a few more months or another year, sure! I mean, I don’t have this big compulsion to write all the time and every month. I know it seems terrible to say, but to be able to get a regular paycheck a month - a substantial one - and not have to do a whole bunch of writing isn’t terribly bad in my eyes. Although I think the readers thought I had lost them along the way.
Sandwich: Do you think you’ll be able to gain them back…
Duchaine: Sure!
Sandwich: …with your new columns in Ironman and Pump?
Duchaine: Oh, I have much more fun over there, because I can get my sense of humor back, which it is. I have more freedom. The problem with Muscle Media, toward the end, is they really didn’t want to discuss any kind of nutritional product that they were not selling. Or, if a competitor was selling it, we couldn’t really talk about it, or if it wasn’t on the market yet, they didn’t want to hear about it. So, that kinda restricts the palette of information quite a bit, I think. I know you’re supposed to be professional, and if you have a lot of money, you should be able to do whatever you damn well want. The pay was good, but I’m not the type of professional writer that can churn a lot of copy out, like a Greg Zulak or a Bill Dobbins.
Sandwich: What’s "Buttplug" like in real life? I heard on the ‘Net that he’s a totally arrogant Ecstasy and Xanax-abusing flake. Is it true that he broke down and went into rehab when his company, EAS, hit the bottom?
Duchaine: Don’t know. I wish I could tell you some real juicy facts, but remember: I’m here in San Diego, and they’re in Colorado. Because, in the beginning, Bill was so young, and he had such an outrageous lifestyle of Playboy Bunnies and fast cars and a lot of parties, which was not, socially, my real…(sigh)…I just didn’t like it. I didn’t really socialize with him, so I wasn’t part of his inner circle. I kinda was waiting for him to grow up (laughs), and in a way, he did. I’m adamantly stuck in the hardcore subculture, and he moved on to more mainstream things. I guess that’s kind of growing up, or a more professional or financial…if it actually worked. But, I don’t think his decisions on changing the magazine really paid off the way he thought they would.
So, I can’t really tell you what he was like as a person. He never called me on the phone, and he rarely faxed me. Even the faxes to the people at NEXT Nutrition started to stop, so I cant really tell you what is going on with him.
Sandwich: So I take it you never participated in his now infamous gangbangs of strippers and stuff?
Duchaine: Nothing. No. I have a hard time with the clubs and strippers. I really do love women both as sexual objects and as people…(pauses)…my persona, in print, is much different than me, the person. I have much more respect for people and women in real life, than what appears in print.
Sandwich: Yeah, I know what you mean. Let me give you a scenario: You are on a road trip with Bill Phillips and Joe Weider. Bill and Joe were out one day walking in the woods when they both stepped on a sharp, rusty dildo. Subsequently, they both got lock jaw from it; their mouth is now wide open and they cant close it. Later, you are driving down the highway in the middle of no-where, and you have to take a massive crap, and you can’t crap outside because there is molten lava on the ground. You have no other choice. There are only two places you can crap: Either in Bill Phillips’ mouth, or in Joe Weider’s mouth. Which one would you rather crap in, and why?
Duchaine: Mwahahahahahahah!!! (uproarious laughter) What a terrible, terrible question! Hehehehehehe! That was very funny, but you’re not going to get an answer from me. I really owe them both too damn much to really slam them like that. Joe Weider got me started. I was in that first article I did for Gordon Long’s Muscle Digest. Bill Dobbins took me on board with FLEX magazine, and Joe Weider allowed Mike Zumpano and I to place our ads for The Underground Steroid Handbook in his Muscle Builder/Power. And, of course, Bill Phillips stood by me when I was in prison, when no one else really didn’t want to see me. As much as it looks like we’ve had our differences between those two people, god, they really made me a lot of money and put me where I am today.
Sandwich: Here’s another scenario: You are walking in the woods of Africa with Monica. No one is around you for hundreds of miles. All of the sudden, she has a heart attack and dies right in front of you. Her body will evaporate in 20 minutes. Would you fuck her dead corpse? If so, why?
Duchaine: Hahahahahahahaha!!! (Huge-ass laughter) Ahh…(long pause)…no, I wouldn’t do that (chuckles). But, you know, you might ask the question if she was alive, I might give you the same answer! (laughs)
Sandwich: Have you ever had a black girlfriend? And if so, are they better than white girlfriends?
Duchaine: (Laughter) Sandwich, when I was a young man…how old are you now?
Sandwich: Twenty-one.
Duchaine: Yeah. When I was about your age, maybe a year older, I had two black girlfriends for decent lengths of time.
Sandwich: (Interrupts) At the same time!?
Duchaine: No! Different times. I had no problems with them what so ever. We had some good times. I don’t think this really relates to bodybuilding, but I think you’re confusing racial characteristics and cultural characteristics. I think maybe people object to certain aspects of black culture, but racially, I don’t think that’s the objection. I don’t think they care about the color of the skin, as much as their culture. It’s a more "in your face" culture. It’s a little disconcerting if you’re used to other cultures, which are more laid-back.
Sandwich: Okay. For one million dollars in cash, a Lamborghini Diablo, a case of Xanax and Ecstasy, and a pair of purple, EAS workout-shorts, would you have gay sex with Bill Phillips?
Duchaine: (chuckles) Oh…million dollars? Sure!
Sandwich: For real!?
Duchaine: Sure!
Sandwich: Really?!
Duchaine: Sure!
Sandwich: Hohohohohahahaha!
Duchaine: That’s a lot of money! You’d do it too! (laughs)
Sandwich: I was in a chat room the other day and someone told me that a certain bodybuilder in this sport got prostate cancer from being fucked in the ass by Dorian Yates. Have you heard this, and do you think it might be true?
Duchaine: (In a serious tone) I think that’s a lame joke. And as much as many people have a beef against (name deleted out of fear - lets call him "scumbag") - and I don’t have a beef, because I’m not into competitive bodybuilding - God forbid you are I have the same malady. It’s not uncommon and he’s a very young man to have that, you know? As much as he may be doing things that doesn’t make people happy, it certainly doesn’t warrant that kind of severe punishment.
Sandwich: (Sheepishly) Okay, I understand. Switching gears, PGF2a. As you know, this is the drug that is reported to cause muscle hypertrophy (growth) simply by injecting it and then lying around, waiting for your muscles to grow. Kind of like a "natural" Synthol. What do you think of this drug? It’s a real hot topic on the ‘Net right now.
Duchaine: I happen to know…what’s his name, the one he put the article under? I know his real name and where he lives…