Step-Father advice, please

[CJ]

Mines a nerd like me lol she gets very frustrated with how disruptive boys are in class. They use to be physically disruptive, I told her if anyone touches her with out consent (accidents excluded) and she does not brutally reciprocate she would be punished. I know that sounds bad but being an only child and timid with no siblings to fight back and learn boundaries she took a lot of shit in 1st and 2nd grade.

I had to tell my ex stepson to stick up for himself, too. He had no brothers, and his mom was overprotective of him. She'd step in when we rough housed, said that she didn't like it. She wouldn't listen to me that that's what little boys need, to wrestle with brothers and dad, learn boundaries in a safe space.

Sometimes a little kid needs a pop in the mouth to learn boundaries.

Don't want to learn that lesson in a bar, with your teeth kicked in.

 

[MrInsensitive]

Wow you guys. THANK YOU for all the advice.
I appreciate every single one of you.
My wife is right here with me.
We have split 50/50 custody but for the last year, he's had a job at the gym. He's on a powerlifting team where he broke a world record last year.
15 year old Squat. 418, then broke his own record with 426.
He holds the state record for 479 at 16 now.
Deadlift 534. Bench 286. He's a BEAST.
I coached him for years and I'll be honest, I didn't have the money to send him across the United States to compete once he started breaking records.. We have 3 other boys too and these trips cost flight, hotel, etc etc.
So his dad stepped in and saved the day. I'm so grateful he got these opportunities and I wouldn't dare stop him. But now, it's almost as though he's forgotten where he came from.
Yes. Dad hits him with lavish gifts and constantly tells him that I'm a piece of shit who can't provide enough of what he needs. No i don't have a lot of money, but neither does he, he is born into money and as a matter of fact, can't keep a job himself. Still lives with his mom and dad who pay for everything. He's a racecar driver and has totalled his fair share of cars, driving like a moron on the streets.
There is 3 incomes on that side, who spoil one child to death. We on the other hand have 2 incomes, 3 children and we're the working poor.
It breaks my fucking heart because my teenager has turned into a little shit!! Like I said, I don't blame him, ANY kid would do exactly what he did if they were given the opportunity.
We're constantly being put on the back burner with him, and he's always got an excuse why he can't come visit us. They've been 2 or 3x a month now, for almost a year.
He still texts me, he wrote me when he wrecked because he was afraid. I don't want to push him away but I have expressed my fears to him.

P.S. if anything happens to my son- I will make sure I scream in his dads face- YOU KILLED HIM! At his funeral in front of God and everyone. I'm so fucking sick over this. Yes, so is my wife. Of course!!

 

[MrInsensitive]

I don't have stepchildren so I don't know certain legalities of things but have you adopted him? The reason I ask cuz that gives you more legal rights. If the kid doesn't have a license in and drives he is breaking the law you absolutely have to intervene. And if you know he's that irresponsible behind the wheel other people could be injured or die so again I believe you must intervene and I would not look at it as punishment I would looking at it as earning responsibility and trust. Have you tried talking to his father in showing him the videos calmly I know y'all hate each other but if the biological father is okay with that behavior that is disgusting.
Like previously mentioned I would absolutely get the wife on your side.
What you can't control is what he does when he said his dad's house but child custody laws I don't know who's rules supersedes who's and where. Is it forced shared custody or is this a courtesy you give the biological father? If it's a courtesy your rules supersede absolutely. But if he hasn't been punished for driving like a fucking idiot crash in the car driving without a license that's on y'all. That is behavior that absolutely warrants punishment and consequences.

You are absolutely 1,000% correct. My wife flipped her lid talking to the grandmother. The dads mom. We stay in constant contact with her, she's the only reasonable one. She doesn't have a lot of sayso. Craig has gone to jail, years ago, for punching her in the face, breaking her glasses and bloodying her eye.
My wife left him because he was abusive. Verbally and physically. He's a tyrant!! His love is simply bought. He's an asshole, peice of shit who hits women. Fuck him.
I fucked up about 8 years ago. I was young and stupid, I went after him and he locked himself inside the car when we were supposed to do am exchange. He didn't even show up with my son because he knew I would be there to protect my wife around him. I never got out of the car until he started screaming at her- I'm not giving Riley to you with that mother fucker around! Finger in her face and she started backing up and he was drawing closer.
I jumped out and ran towards him and he jumps in his truck and locked the door. I beat on the windshield I beat on the door, and he recorded that last minute of this ordeal and used it against her in court.
I totally fucked us. I know this. But I just wanted to provide some more context.

 

[TeddyBear]

Insensitive, not only are you fighting an uphill battle with more to lose, it’s against an irresponsible man child who is also a race car driver.

So, naturally the kid wants to go fast.

But glad you’re working on it and sounds like as constructively as you can. No one knows, but you’re doing what you can and I suspect it will work out.

 

[shackleford]

I know you said money is tight, but would you be willing to take a basic rider course with him? It would get him a license so he wont get jammed up just riding around, hopefully teach him to ride safely, and you'd get some time with him, that may open the door for some conversation.

Or, if that doesn't work... do you have any friends in emergency services who would be willing to share some experiences with him? not sure if this would work because we were all invincible at 16.

 

[CJ]

Wow you guys. THANK YOU for all the advice.
I appreciate every single one of you.
My wife is right here with me.
We have split 50/50 custody but for the last year, he's had a job at the gym. He's on a powerlifting team where he broke a world record last year.
15 year old Squat. 418, then broke his own record with 426.
He holds the state record for 479 at 16 now.
Deadlift 534. Bench 286. He's a BEAST.
I coached him for years and I'll be honest, I didn't have the money to send him across the United States to compete once he started breaking records.. We have 3 other boys too and these trips cost flight, hotel, etc etc.
So his dad stepped in and saved the day. I'm so grateful he got these opportunities and I wouldn't dare stop him. But now, it's almost as though he's forgotten where he came from.
Yes. Dad hits him with lavish gifts and constantly tells him that I'm a piece of shit who can't provide enough of what he needs. No i don't have a lot of money, but neither does he, he is born into money and as a matter of fact, can't keep a job himself. Still lives with his mom and dad who pay for everything. He's a racecar driver and has totalled his fair share of cars, driving like a moron on the streets.
There is 3 incomes on that side, who spoil one child to death. We on the other hand have 2 incomes, 3 children and we're the working poor.
It breaks my fucking heart because my teenager has turned into a little shit!! Like I said, I don't blame him, ANY kid would do exactly what he did if they were given the opportunity.
We're constantly being put on the back burner with him, and he's always got an excuse why he can't come visit us. They've been 2 or 3x a month now, for almost a year.
He still texts me, he wrote me when he wrecked because he was afraid. I don't want to push him away but I have expressed my fears to him.

P.S. if anything happens to my son- I will make sure I scream in his dads face- YOU KILLED HIM! At his funeral in front of God and everyone. I'm so fucking sick over this. Yes, so is my wife. Of course!!

Just keep talking to him, I promise you, even if he acts like he's not, he's listening. And keep acting like a good man, because he's watching.

Every once in awhile he'll do or say something where you'll be caught off guard... Holy shit, he learned that from me!!!

Use those moments as fuel to keep fighting the good fight.

He doesn't need to see conflict between you guys and his dad, leave that behind closed doors. Sure, they'll talk shit about you behind your back, but take the high road. But there will come a day that the lightbulb will flicker on, and he'll start to put all the pieces together. Trust me, it's coming.

 

[Gadawg]

Just keep talking to him, I promise you, even if he acts like he's not, he's listening. And keep acting like a good man, because he's watching.

Every once in awhile he'll do or say something where you'll be caught off guard... Holy shit, he learned that from me!!!

Use those moments as fuel to keep fighting the good fight.

He doesn't need to see conflict between you guys and his dad, leave that behind closed doors. Sure, they'll talk shit about you behind your back, but take the high road. But there will come a day that the lightbulb will flicker on, and he'll start to put all the pieces together. Trust me, it's coming.

This is good advice.

My dad left when I was 2. Had a step dad as well.

 

[Rickt]

Mines a nerd like me lol she gets very frustrated with how disruptive boys are in class. They use to be physically disruptive, I told her if anyone touches her with out consent (accidents excluded) and she does not brutally reciprocate she would be punished. I know that sounds bad but being an only child and timid with no siblings to fight back and learn boundaries she took a lot of shit in 1st and 2nd grade.

But over the top. But it shows honest concern and love. Too many kids grow up not knowing love and concern. Wish u had instructed my father on being a parent.
The world needs less people like me growing up. More like your daughter.

 

[RISE]

Do you know where your son is doing these activities with his vehicles? If there is a certain area he does them, talk to authorities and see if you can get his ass caught. Tough love, man. Better than him ending up dead. Best thing that can happen is he gets caught driving recklessly and gets his license suspended for 6 months or longer. Or stop paying for his car insurance. Teens aren't gonna listen to you, especially if they have someone in their corner that allows them to do what they want.

 

[Thrawn]

Do you know where your son is doing these activities with his vehicles? If there is a certain area he does them, talk to authorities and see if you can get his ass caught. Tough love, man. Better than him ending up dead. Best thing that can happen is he gets caught driving recklessly and gets his license suspended for 6 months or longer. Or stop paying for his car insurance. Teens aren't gonna listen to you, especially if they have someone in their corner that allows them to do what they want.

I'm torn on this one. While I agree sometimes kids need to get a strong dose of fucking adult reality. How would a record affect him long-term? College, military, certain jobs. Could be part of my bias coming in with the judicial system, but I think I would want to protect my child at all costs from experiencing that system unless I had no other choice, to the point of if I had a shovel and knew where to bury a body I probably still protect my kid from the courts.

I do know if his behavior is being disruptive all around they do have state-sponsored military/discipline schools.

And I understand it hurts when kids break away from you. I got all heartbroken when my daughter didn't want to go to the pool or bike ride in this past summer anymore. I can only imagine what you're going through with a teenager. Like stated above as the children change we as parents have to change the way we attempt to connect with them.
While I agree most parental issues should stay behind closed doors He's coming to the age where I would be tempted I truly don't know what I would do but not to shield him from the adult issues and what's really going on.
It seems like the grandparents are enabling to an extent just as much as the father is.

Is it too late to show the courts as In custody courts The child's behavior with the father to demonstrate or leadership and parenting to revoke or limit The sperm donors influence. Sorry I changed it sperm donor since that's insulting to you calling him the father since you've raised him.

 

[John Ziegler]

the gsxr 600 is an outrageous bike

giving it to this kid sounds

Ignorant AF

 

[GSgator]

First take that bike away ASAP a teenager has no business being on a GSXR 600 I’m sorry to say that’s a disaster, waiting to happen.

When it comes to the well-being of your son, you can’t beat around the bush and try to work around what will be a conflict . Also from the sounds of it his sperm donors behavior is deliberate in the way of
creating havoc in your in your sons relationship.

The teenager years are fucking tough man on a parent . As parents teenagers like to push the boundaries and some instances there’s only one way to handle things and that’s to be direct and stern . For the sake of his safety I would say THE RULES UNDER YOUR ROOF ARE ::no motorcycles while living under my roof or until the age 18. Make fair rules but most important ENFORCE THE RULES MADE and have the consequences spelled out. Once rules are made and established. You’ve got more angles and a solid dialogue to start making points on your son and his sperm donor .

Now with his fucktard sperm donor.
You and your wife need to pay him a visit and make it clear these so called toys he is buying him
are going to seriously get him into
Possibly a life threatening situation.

 

[Yano]

Ok , on a serious note. I'm going to say a few things that might be uncomfortable or sound like i'm an ass , it's not intentional I have all the respect in the world for the difficult situation you are in.

First is just a pet peeve of mine , we have a few ready made kids that came with their mom or dad in this family , the word "step" will get you smacked the fuck up. I don't put up with it , never have , never will.

No child is a step , a convenience , a way to raise someone's level or something to be walked over.

You've raised him since he was two , that means calming him down from nightmares , holding him when he was sick , checking under the bed for monsters ...

He's your son , you earned that and fuck anyone that tries to take that from you. Blood aint always thicker than water in fact in some cases , it's thinner than air.

Love , that shit's thick.

When's the last time you just talked to him ? just shot the shit and were his friend ? just a buddy to talk to and listen to.

You might be surprised how far you get by reminding him of a time when he was little and you helped him and taught him something or you helped through as issue growing up

Tell him how much you love him and that no matter what he's part of what makes your life worth living.

Tell him simply that you're worried , you're scared and now it's his turn to help you out. Riding like that is going to end up costing him or someone else a whole lot.

I don't think you will be able to get him to stop riding it , but you might be able to reach a place in him that still knows he can trust what you say to keep him safe and as enabling as it sounds , help him get proper gear , helmet , leathers , boots.

I've been on two wheels since my first Rupp mini bike. Layed a few down , shattered my left leg.

Riding is never safe , not to scare you even more but its not , but we can mitigate the cost to our bodies of laying a bike down with proper gear on. The rest is common sense and not being too stupid.

God Bless , I hope something here helps.

 

[RISE]

I'm torn on this one. While I agree sometimes kids need to get a strong dose of fucking adult reality. How would a record affect him long-term? College, military, certain jobs. Could be part of my bias coming in with the judicial system, but I think I would want to protect my child at all costs from experiencing that system unless I had no other choice, to the point of if I had a shovel and knew where to bury a body I probably still protect my kid from the courts.

I do know if his behavior is being disruptive all around they do have state-sponsored military/discipline schools.

And I understand it hurts when kids break away from you. I got all heartbroken when my daughter didn't want to go to the pool or bike ride in this past summer anymore. I can only imagine what you're going through with a teenager. Like stated above as the children change we as parents have to change the way we attempt to connect with them.
While I agree most parental issues should stay behind closed doors He's coming to the age where I would be tempted I truly don't know what I would do but not to shield him from the adult issues and what's really going on.
It seems like the grandparents are enabling to an extent just as much as the father is.

Is it too late to show the courts as In custody courts The child's behavior with the father to demonstrate or leadership and parenting to revoke or limit The sperm donors influence. Sorry I changed it sperm donor since that's insulting to you calling him the father since you've raised him.

He's a minor and its a misdemeanor, so it will be expunged when he's 18, unless someone does an FBI type deep dive into his history. Also, I'm gonna assume it will be his first time being arrested, which at least in fl, is a slap on the wrist to begin with.

All I know is how I was as a teenager, an ignorant, arrogant idiot. You couldn't tell me anything at that age. I wouldn't even call myself a "bad kid", I was just super naive and easily influenced in my early teens, and by the time I was around 16 I had been caught so many times and gotten away without real jail time that I had learned my lesson and made sure I wasn't involved with anything super sketchy, bc the longer the record, the greater the chance anything will stick and away you go.

 

[MrInsensitive]

Insensitive, not only are you fighting an uphill battle with more to lose, it’s against an irresponsible man child who is also a race car driver.

So, naturally the kid wants to go fast.

But glad you’re working on it and sounds like as constructively as you can. No one knows, but you’re doing what you can and I suspect it will work out.

This Is all true. But what?? Lay down and let it happen bro??

 

[Thrawn]

This Is all true. But what?? Lay down and let it happen bro??

I don't think he meant it like that. I read it as general words of encouragement.

 

[TeddyBear]

This Is all true. But what?? Lay down and let it happen bro??

Oh no. I meant it as: I see the struggle as one of nature vs nurture too. You’re doing your best and can’t control the outcome: keep trying and keep your head up.

 

[MrInsensitive]

Thank you gentlemen. I sincerely appreciate all of you. Im thrilled I got the responses that I did. Y'all gave me a lot of gems.
Riley really isn't a bad kid. At all. Never been in trouble much, kind of quiet. Really well behaved when we had him.
This is all recent since he's been living over there most of the time. He gets to do whatever he wants when he wants. I understand. He's a child.
I'll never stop loving him and I'll never give up.

The whole point in posting this is because I feel like shit that I can't do anything about it. Our lawyer says we don't have a Leg to stand on unless we can prove he was speeding when he hit that tree. Could be wanton endangerment allowing him to drive but it's impossible to discern where exactly he's at in these TikToks.
He's obviously being very careful about that too.

 

[Rickt]

Thank you gentlemen. I sincerely appreciate all of you. Im thrilled I got the responses that I did. Y'all gave me a lot of gems.
Riley really isn't a bad kid. At all. Never been in trouble much, kind of quiet. Really well behaved when we had him.
This is all recent since he's been living over there most of the time. He gets to do whatever he wants when he wants. I understand. He's a child.
I'll never stop loving him and I'll never give up.

The whole point in posting this is because I feel like shit that I can't do anything about it. Our lawyer says we don't have a Leg to stand on unless we can prove he was speeding when he hit that tree. Could be wanton endangerment allowing him to drive but it's impossible to discern where exactly he's at in these TikToks.
He's obviously being very careful about that too.

The point here is you care. You care enough to air your laundry in public to see if anyone can help. But you are doing a great job. Support him and be there. We all have to grow up. And we all regret growing up.
He will grow up when he has to and not a minute earlier. Congrats on doing a good job with all the concern.

 

[Thrawn]

Thank you gentlemen. I sincerely appreciate all of you. Im thrilled I got the responses that I did. Y'all gave me a lot of gems.
Riley really isn't a bad kid. At all. Never been in trouble much, kind of quiet. Really well behaved when we had him.
This is all recent since he's been living over there most of the time. He gets to do whatever he wants when he wants. I understand. He's a child.
I'll never stop loving him and I'll never give up.

The whole point in posting this is because I feel like shit that I can't do anything about it. Our lawyer says we don't have a Leg to stand on unless we can prove he was speeding when he hit that tree. Could be wanton endangerment allowing him to drive but it's impossible to discern where exactly he's at in these TikToks.
He's obviously being very careful about that too.

I'm not a physicist but I don't see why you could not prove he was speeding when he hit a tree. I mean don't car seen crash investigators do it all the time? Would their conclusion not be in the report? If it was a newer vehicle I'm sure the computer logged all sorts of shit with the right software access to the OBD2 port. Like how fast the car was going before brakes were slammed. I mean shit the gyroscopic sensors and GPS in his phone would be able to detect that.